Sunday, January 20, 2008
to be a part or depart.....
ok hello yellow bellow hollow peeps. IM BACK!yea as in back to blogging. december is crazy january is going to crazy. likewise for the rest of the year till december i guess. OMG.jc life really can eat ur brains(this let me think of elaine)haha.
anw. despite all the business. it has been fruitful. as in all the things i did wasnt for nothing.
first wk of dec: X29 CAMP!
its really fun filled and all you can think of is just HOW DO I SERVE GOD TO ANOTHER LEVEL. and also, this time, there are actually a diverse of speakers for the sermons! every speaker got their own story to share and yupp. its really interesting! the concert too! SUPER HYPE!and yea but to the sermons, the teachings are mostly 'back-to-basics'. they remind us of things that we usually forget in our everyday lives. which is super essential for christians like us,OLD BIRDS.HAHA
second wk of dec: grandma died. i didnt cry at all cause i feel that it is a freedom from pain for my grandma. and im glad, i really tried to keep my grandma happy and comfy during her 3 wks hospital stay before that. she told my aunty and uncles that she really loved my massaging. which makes me feel glad finally i can do sth for her. she's a really nice grandma and she love all of her children grandchildren great-grandchildren deeply. they are all shown thru her actions. i respect her, as a mother, a grandmother. also, thank you veejay cg for coming down to pay me visit twice during the funeral! and all the snacks u all bought me.hehe
third wk of dec: taiwan trip! the food in taiwan (except taipei) is really BAD.well, the appearance of them all really look super appealing and delicious. but they are just not to our singaporeans' liking. bleargh. however bad, there's still some food like oyster mee sua and oyster egg which are still loves. and of course,MUCH LOVE to the lousy rule of MR flat (bian), the economy in taiwan is going downhill, and thus whats the first thing that comes to ur mind? YES YES YES SHOPPING!got really lots of cheap buys which i m super proud of! on the sidenote, im really happy to see my dear little cousin LEE JUN DE!who is starting to serve God faithfully, whoever brought him to know God, THANKS A MILLION(: one last thing to mention, my mama didnt quarrel with me or my sis throughout the whole trip! yes yes yes. which is a really good thing. past few times we travel together as a family, we would always fight and bicker over trivial stuff. (: x infinity for this family breakthrough.
by the time i reach singapore its already 28th of dec! start doing last minute mugging for R papers and spent new yr eve night with tina! and yea for the first hour of new yr, I MUGGED. love love much love to my dear tina,fellow bimbo ti! she actually go thru 5 topics with me in a day reading and reading details to me. and I PASS MY BIO!WOOHOO!52 ! not even scrape pass one k.love u tina!
not to forget, i spent time meeting with lots of ppl since dec till now! elaine, jasmine, jaslin, jo, sarah, wensi, audrey, xinwei, sheila, sihuan, eve, yuchen......and one person i really wish to meet now is MY DEAREST SELINE CHAN! i m not a les but i m really in love with seline chan. its like random cravings for some food time to time. ok this sounds sick. but yea, i m just trying to say that i get seline-deprived easily. hope she's doing well and super happy 18th birthday!really hope to give her something memorable to celebrate our friendship which is coming into the NINTH YEAR!(: as i mentioned someway back in my blog, though there are times we have silent bickers, cold war, i still love u the same.
and not to forget. happy birthday to jiaqian and bentay!my much loved classmates.
And Lord, i want to be a filial child.
And Lord, i want to follow your ways.
And Lord, i want to spend time with you daily.
And Lord, i want to be the salt and light.
And Lord, i want to grow old with you.
today, i watch the disc given by laomuyang, recording memories of hccg. touching. love.
love, tan ah-ti.
3:15 AM
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
today is one of the super super super few days i decided to just stay in my room and use comp while listening to radio.BUTTTTTT. some stupid anonymous insect gave me 5 kisses in a short half an hour (i bet some were french kisses). and i m also very sure it is a flat-chested insect which is just jealous of me):
have been attending ce2 cg these few weeks and they have never failed to put a smile on my face(: sunday session with cool and cute, jon and a short while with jiexun was rather great, excluding the walking part of course. the earthquakes were superb!
recently, i have been reading this book titled "seven types of ambiguity" ( credits to may tan yi xuan). this book is one of the hardest books i have read, or maybe i have been reading one too many chick lit. there are actually some paragrpahs i have to re-read a few times to get its meaning.
One afternoon in bed, after a walk, she asked him how he could be so sure that he did not love her. Was she brave or stupid, do you think? Can you imagine you asking a question like that? Simon said he did love her and that she should know it, but that he was not in love with her. You can forgive her, under the circumstances, for thinking he was off on another semantic frolic of his own. If he hadn't been so forthcoming she might have taken comfort in the ambiguity."In spite of all that i unfortunately am now, or more accurately all that i m not, I am still far too cautious, too careful with you, to be in love with you. That's how i know, i suppose," he told her.Seven types of ambiguityA relationship between two people, just like a sequence of words, is ambiguous if it is open to different interpretations. And if two people do have differing views about their relationship--I just don't mean about its state, I mean about its very nature-- then that difference can affect the entire course of their lives.Seven types of ambiguitythis book help me explain quite a few stuff i cant put it into words a lot of times. thats why i love this book.
the thank you smses i have received gave me a sense of guilt and sadness. I have actually forgotten when is the last time i reply a smple thanks when people send me a message of encouragement, the last time i said thanks when people did something for me. maybe i did sometimes, but i guess it was so casual i couldnt remember myself doing so at all.
why am i always so late to reciprocate love?to people, to God. i m equally stingy with it. giving thanks to God, praising and worshipping Him should have long become a habit shouldnt they? i actually have to wait till just weeks ago when james ring an alarm in me, pointing out to me that i have not been exalting God, our Lord. He has done so much for me, everything i can do for Him is so incomparable to what He has given and....
God, i am sorry.
love, tan ah-ti.
4:59 AM
Thursday, November 8, 2007
i talked about you again just 2 days ago and i m so convinced once again you are the curse of my life.
The ability to relieve past emotional states is both an aptitude and a curse. It's a curse because it doesn't allow you to get on with your life. Every cut, every bruise, every rejection yields a harvest which is then stored. The pain is kept on ice and can be relied upon to taste as fresh as the day it was first inflicted.The Seven Types of Ambiguitytalking about regrets, how many times have i gone thru those late night wailing, ranting how unfair is this world, threatening to end my life just like that. countless. maybe one day i can just feel numb about everything, shake off all consequences i have to bear, wouldnt life be much easier.
there's a sudden surge of fears spiralling thru my body now. fear of being neglected. fear of not being loved.fear of not performing up to expectation. fear of being left behind. fear of tears. fear of dark clouds. fear of......
this is one of those nights, i m afraid of being alone. captured by those fears, succumbed and helpless. if one day i can change my mentality to those of a 5yrsold child, wouldnt life be much happier.
my dream is to marry a guy who promised to love me forever wholeheartedly. i dream to build up a loving family with children who are always happy. i dream to just have to the money to buy anything i want, not necessarily be rich. i dream of my love bringing me to the most romantic dinner on valentine's day. at least for now, i still have this child-like faith that they will all come true.just that sometimes i really wonder, how long can this faith lasts,
just listened to the version of bei pan enacted by xiao jing teng. when i first listened to the song enacted by gary, frankly speaking i didnt feel that much pain, until i saw xiao jing teng sang it. the pain is like a vice gripping on so hardly inside him. the pain of the betrayed love. the pain to let go of one's love. it is written all over his face when he sang it. he's really good.
but for now, i just feel like turning back to my bossa nova who will never fail to cheer up my sunken heart. the lovely rhythm skipped out of a saxophone can always capture my heart so much. saxophone is love(:
and not forgetting, my pillar of support, my saviour, my God(:
i m not feeling that emo. cause after 1 hr i might just recover.
there are just days that are brighter than sunshine and some other days that are gloomier than the dark clouds. this is just one of those days. dont you feel the same way too sometimes?
"life's too short to be randomly emo"-- quoted from jiaqian
love, tan ah-ti.
6:40 AM
Sunday, November 4, 2007
hello. i m gonna blog about my this yr christmas cum 18th birthday wishlist!
READ CAREFULLY!(:
1. Pierre Cardin wallet (super long kind)
2. Celebrate with all the people i love!
3. An album recording memories of me and my loves.
4. SUPER SUPER ULTRA BIG PLUSHIE! (towel material kind)
5. Air Con!
6. 300 hunks lined up for me to hug!HAHA!
7. A princess room.
8. Lose 10kg
9. Tour Europe.
10. Go on mission trip.
11. DRESSES
12. Paul Frank 7 days undies.
13. Paul Frank pullover sweater.
14. Treat to nice high tea!
15. Spa at dempsey road.
16. Treat to spagheddies/ Hard Rock Cafe/ Mount Faber restaurant.
17. Permanent Hair Removal.
18. Bandeau/Halter Bikini top (no triangle!)
19. many many more wishes
haha. i know i m greedy. if anyone would love to fulfill any of my wish i will be SUPER grateful to you and i m serious(:
thanks a zillion!
HANG IN THERE J2!
love, tan ah-ti.
7:46 AM
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
talking to jiaqian has become a daily basis.
missing my longest friend(considering still in contact) has become an alternate days thing. we exchanged whichever photo we have of each other last night and it is really funny. embarrassing yet heart warming. browsing through friendster, i have seen many chicks sisterias clad in their sexy and beautiful apparels camwhoring and posting their pretty pretty pictures up for people to view. At the same time, passer-bys who looked thru their profiles will gasp in awe of their wonderful relationship, and also maybe, their looks and figures. I admit that i am quite jealous in the latter sense but definitely not the former. My dearest friend is one of the most wonderful friends i have seen. It is funny how our relationship evolve since 8 yrs plus plus ago. From taking pictures with the most quirky look to now where we take the most hilarious pictures. Well, maybe not to other people, but definitely to us. We definitely dont have as wonderful figues and pretty faces as those on the "acquaintance speed mating engine", (BUT MY FRIEND HAS NICE FIGURE AND PRETTY FACE OK). Furthermore, our pictures are too unglam to be put up for public viewing. But, i still love her lots and lots and i really treasure alll the time we spent together. Although we still had mini bickers like the one at your sch and british council if you rmb,
i just want to say that i love you REALLY LOTS, seline chan liping.
(PS this is taken in sec 2 and she doesnt look like that now. OMG I WAS REALLY SKINNY THEN.HAHA)
love, tan ah-ti.
7:51 AM
Monday, October 29, 2007
tifen needs to learn to embrace whatever she has/had, she need to learn love everyone place around her, because she doesnt deserve all of it.
after talking to many ppl about some issues bothering me, i realised how blessed i am by the Lord.
When i heard her pleading, when i saw her tears, i know i have said something so wrong. God can just give me one tight slap and i will fall to the ground and perish just like that. I have been to impatient to hear His calling. I have been pushing Him and whining like some big fat kid, oblivious to what pastors have been emphasizing throughout the years that God is always punctual. I am demanding from God, and what position am i in to do so.
I talked to her on sat and today. On sat i lied and i made her cry. And at that moment i realised, how much am i loved by her. She have been secretly looking after me all these while, and i have grown so much dependence on her. It's not her fault, but mine. I should be taking ownership on my own spiritual life, not her. Shepherds are not called to be standing by their sheep 24/7, esp when i am just an ex-laoyang. Today i met up with her again, and if i m not wrong, i saw tears welling up in her eyes twice. I held back my tears and forced out a giggle every now and then,trying hard to maintain my cheerful whiney tone. I know if i really were to decide on it, she and my spiritual butt would be the saddest people of all, including my shepherd now.
I owe her too much.
My spiritual butt is trying hard to help me in this. And she is one person i really owed to too. I am thinking of elaine phua now, she is another one. This shows how serious i m in debt.haha. But talking about my spiritual butt, i must deeply and sincerely thank her for taking so much for me, standing by me whenever i m down and cheering me up whenever i am sad. She will always set aside time just for me to lie on her sh0ulders and listen to my cnostant ranting and whining. God sent her for me to sustain me till now. And since God will never let us go thru problems beyond our ability to handle, why am i giving up.
I am too tired.
love, tan ah-ti.
1:39 AM
Friday, October 26, 2007
i really felt like crying just now. but i didnt.
[location: orchard emerald traffic light]
instead, i did these:
1.close my eyes
2.count to 3
3.pray to God
4. listen to because of love by natalie grant
i m so proud of myself.
i am a girl who smiles to herself when she thinks about CE2.
there is this girl who loves to think about pretty stuff.
that is the girl who has learnt to be stronger.
she is a girl who always yearns to meet God.
love, tan ah-ti.
9:09 AM
